Lately, my mind has been a chaoic wirlwind.

i wish so badly that i was already living on the island. I had come so far and got so close but its like i took 20 steps forward and 40 steps back. Everything seems so out of my control and i feel like i'm floating around in a tinge of defeat. i have no imagination left for being.
My art ceased. The cancer cells returned. And i'm living aboard much much further from my intended destination.
All i want to do is get there. Then, i feel my life will start. That i've accomplished the impossible...or least something? But for some reason, some greater forces see otherwise. Maybe i haven't payed all my dues yet.
Im just fearful that if i don't hurry up and build that house with my bare hands on that remote island, then i will die having never done anything amazing. what if that happens? i needed a mental shift.

So, i headed for the mountains...

i dry camped about 2 miles past some waterfalls i hiked to, and had a distant view through the wilderness's foliage of this rocky peak. i wondered its distance and terrain but at this point i was to deep in to get a signal on my phone to map it. i wished i had been more prepared but deceided it was inside my margin of possibility of being doable. i planned on packing up camp in the morning and heading up there. Why do i do this to myself, i questioned silently? Already, knowing the answer and knowing, beyond these mountains there were yet just more again.
The reasons were many.
But mostly, hiking the highlands reminds me of cruising in the islands.
Both demand my humility while yielding me precious peace.
And like the sea, the mts influence me to face up to myself and give me a much needed quiet mind.

In search of that quiet mind...

i thought i was going to collapse a hundred times over, but moving forward, one step in front of the other, i would travel a few hundred feet then to stop to breath. My pack was heavy and my walking stick seemingly more a burden. The trail was rocky, winding, narrow, and steep. Then varying into open, grassy, meadows and long, green, tunnels of trees.
i was on the longest blaze with the steepest incline id had ever trekked. The highest mt. in the forrest. Trying to push myself, trying to find that zen, another hour gone by while i replayed the map in my head. The one i had momentary memorized from a passing dreadlocked hippies pocket the week before. She had said she never hiked it but it was atleast 10 miles to the ridge.
Wanderingly i climbed eventually coming upon these large, powerful, monolithic formations in impossible balancing acts. Then, not far ahead an opening of light in the dense humid wilderness.
Nearing the bright outcropping i dropped my pack and went right to the edge. The edge was my destination.
Startled by the strong wind and mesmerized by the vast beauty i immeditely held my arms wide wishing to fly. Wishing i could fly like i do in my dreams.
Then i sat quietly and still at once, thinking how i hate it when i wished. Momentarily i thought of all the ways id been wishing my life away. Wishing to get thru this or past that, to get here or there. Wishing for my life to begin. i closed my eyes for several minutes. And it occurred to me. Right Now. This moment, Right Now is everything. These obstacles are your life. All these mts i've climbed, have to climb, or chose to climb are parts of my life. Live it.

With the wind in my hair i inhaled my surroundings. Living life right on the edge, literally.
i was able to just be.
It was amazing.

Whats that saying...if it wernt dark you couldn't see the stars?


Ive been going back in forth from heaven to hell.
what a journey im on. thank gawd, i pack light cuz mentally its heavy. My cancer is at a “watch & wait” status...which is good but doesn't correspond to my philosophy in life. Dive in!
I mean wait for what???!!!! Hell?? I cant wait, cant carrying that weight, into every space... into every moment..overcasting my thoughts negetively.
Ive walked that road to know it leads me into a no visibility, downpour
and maaaaan lifes to short not to be able to see the stars every night.

Maybe i want the impossible but im damn sure going for it, and im halfway there by just making that decision.

Im moving to heaven... heaven on Earth in the west indies.
i recently found myself standing amidst beauty like none other, with an overcast far off in the distance. The sea before me was a calm pool of listerine that seemed to fill me with light and life. On that 12sq. mile island, in that very moment... I felt like the stars were aligned for me.
I felt like this was where i belong. I almost felt complete. I saw my future waiting for me. Instead of me waiting for my future.


So in a mini whirlwind, i bought land there, arranged for power to be brought in, discussed cisterns for water, talked to customs about tariff duties, drew up plans, and found a barge company to ship a container full of lumber and supplies in, from the states. Im selling most everything i own to make this dream happen...this is something i thought id have to wait forever to do...if ever? But damnit im impatient and always been the one to bend the rules..and dance to my own beat. This November im outta here not rreally knowing what im doing, kinda learning as i go.I do know one thing...im not watching and waiting...to hell with that!
I rather chase my dreams then wait around for the nightmares.

im sure you need to watch & listen.
Docs said 3 months to live.
Heres what hes doing. Makes you think.

(video: part one)
[link]


(R.P's update page)
[link]



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Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want something badly enough. They are there to keep out the other people.
~Randy Pausch

It was April...one year ago........

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...(in short)

Live, laugh, love as though your life depended on it - it does. Wiggle your toes in a beach of sand. Be open to the romance of life. Laugh a lot. Cry when you feel like it. Let the child in you emerge. Talk about your dreams, your fears, your expectations. Take time to listen. Discover your source of peace and strength. Spend time there.

In the end, it’s love. Cherish yourself and others. Find joy in everyday experiences. Allow yourself peace. Embrace each day.






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If I Had My Life to Live Over by Erma Bombeck

I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching TV - and more while watching life.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love yous"...more "I'm sorrys"...
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it...live it...and never give it back.

(Erma Bombeck lost her battle with cancer)

Last night the window was glowing so i forced myself out of bed to open the blinds. As i crawled back into bed to watch the sunset, i thought to myself, tomorrow was going to be a good day.
And it is!

This week alone was like hell at low tide. Hospitals and needles, days of non-movement, more hospitals and more sickening junk id rather not mention. Although somehow i think i cruised on without the devil seeing me on his radar. Cuz the drugs are working and i have discovered a new horizon. No longer will i drift in "de Nile" with destination unknown. My proverbial white flag will not be flown! Just as sudden as a summer storm it hit me like hail, and I made the decision. Its final. Im pulling anchor from this harbor and im sailing on with grace and a positive view for the future.
I plan on making cancer my bee-och and sinking its ship!